my 3day

I've been home from the 3day in Chicago for two weeks now. I've been trying to figure out a way to express the magnitude of the experience, but I just can't seem to put it all in words. I know that I feel like I've done something important and monumental and that not too many people can understand how I feel about it. My mother-in-law said it really reminded her of chemotherapy: the way it dragged on mile after mile and the way you thought you could never get through it and then, suddenly, you were at the finish line for the day. At the end, we all got t-shirts: white for the walkers, grey for the crew, and pink for the survivors. I never want a pink shirt.

Those ladies who earned their pink shirts deserve all the credit in the world because they, too, have been through something that not too many people understand.

I'm proud of walking (even if I did miss 10 miles because of an injury). I'm ready to start my fund-raising and training for next year. I have film at the store being developed. Hopefully I'll have it ready and up soon.

I'm also considering moving the blog, but I'll give more details as that develops. School starts on Monday.

family rescue

Coach left yesterday morning at 0600 for a meeting in Dallas. The Sunday part of the meeting was actually a round of golf and a night at the Rangers game. The Monday part of the meeting was the real business, but I digress. Around 0645 I discovered I had a headache and a toddler that was waking up. I took the requisite daily vitamin and sinus medicine and drank a bottle of water while the child ate her *wakkle* and drank *choca milk* and the headache got worse. I took some OTC migraine medicine and lay on the couch with both danger zones blocked off by baby gates. Some time later, the little minx managed to take off all her clothes and her diaper: she then turned her diaper into a hat which she wore for the better part of an hour. I knew that I would not win the battle of wills with this one. I feebly sent out an SOS via text to my sister and my mom *SOS. Have migraine and toddler.*

Instantly, my sister called to get the scoop and told me that she would be on her way (about a 55 mile trip) in minutes. By that time, Lil Bean had peed on the carpet, but was now willing to put her diaper back on. (Can you tell that we have started potty training??) As I was attempting to re-dress the naked princess, and after she had jumped on my queasy stomach several times, the wave of nausea turned mean on me and I emptied the previous night's meal of pasta and orange juice. Of course as I did this, I lost control of my bladder (damned Keigel exercises only work if you do them). So she is standing behind me in her diaper hat saying *Nasty mama!* and trying to clean the floor for me.


I managed to get her upstairs with me so I could clean myself up (after cleaning the kitchen floor - the sink makes a convenient vomitorium) and she decided that jumping on the bed would be the best way for her to spend her time especially since mama was too tired and sick to stop her. Not too tired or sick to take pictures though. This pic was actually taken on Saturday (different diaper hat but same state of undress). I took a picture with my phone to send to my sister so that she could get an idea of what she would be dealing with.

My mom came later and took care of me. She gave me soup and sprite and a pill she *swore* would help (and it did). I know what it is and it IS used for migraines. She stayed until well after 9pm after making sure I was okay. I went to spend the night with my sister so I wouldn't be alone.

Around 0200, the little princess woke up at my sister's house so I had to bring her home to sleep in her own princess bed. She slept until 0725 and made it to school by 0915. With her clothes on. Whoo hoo.

I'm still weak, but I have tons of work to do around the house. We are leaving tomorrow for Chicago and the WALK starts on Friday. I plan to post pictures as soon as I get them developed. Yes, I'm taking disposable cameras because I don't have the best track record of keeping up with my stuff away from home.

Keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I probably won't post until I get home because I don't know what kind of computer access I'll have at the hotel before the walk. Until then...

what if

I always loved the *choose your own adventure* books - you know, the ones where you'd get to the end of a page and you could choose to go to page 42 for one response to a situation or you could go to page 189 for another response. Somehow, I'd read through those books over and over again just to see if I could find out what all of the possible scenarios were. Sometimes, I'd die a horrible death and sometimes I'd solve the mystery and be a hero. It made for some interesting afternoons.

Driving home from a meeting today, a complete stranger honked at me and saluted as he passed. As his bumper came into view, I saw that he had a *Semper Fi* sticker and a USMC *eagle, globe, and anchor* as well. Remember that I am driving my brother's truck: the brother who was a Marine; the brother who died almost seven years ago. That honk and salute got me to thinking about the big What If.

What if Doobie had not gone to work for that hitch. What if he had decided to stay home, where he was living with my sister, and just hang out for the whole week instead. He only worked 7 on/7 off. What if he had decided to go to work but decided not to do that last little bit of work - whatever it was that caused him to fall. What if he decided to do that last little bit of work, but had NOT unbuckled his safety harness. What if. What if. What if...

I can't imagine what my life would be like now if he hadn't died. I can't begin to pick one part of my life that I would change except for him not being here. This is where the real questions start popping up in my head. (you have to remember that I am overly analytical in my head when it comes to imagining situations) What would be different? Would I have bought my house? Probably not. Would my sister have gotten pregnant when she did? Probably not. If I didn't have my house, and my sister hadn't gotten pregnant, would I have even still been here in this town when I met my husband? Who knows? I get that Jimmy-Stewart-It's-A-Wonderful-Life-but-in-a-different-way feeling. Who's to say why things happen when they do? If everything happens for a reason, for some kind of cosmic balance, why do they happen?

Sometimes I make myself feel better (for a little while at least) and think that surely The Almighty would never make my mother suffer the loss of another child. Then I think about my dad's Aunt Dorothy who lost three of her four children. I think about the mothers in time from beginning to end who have lost children for whatever reason. I know that I'm no more special than anyone else and I can't even begin to imagine the anguish of burying my own flesh and blood - that I carried and nurtured in my womb and loved before I could even hear a heartbeat or feel a soft cheek. I could barely stand to leave her in the hospital nursery for photo-therapy treatment.

I am at a loss for words. I cannot think how to end this. All I can think now is What If.

friday fill-ins

1. If I could travel back in time, I'd go to watch *them* fake the moon landing.

2. Give me chocolate or give me dark chocolate.

3. I am listening to Bean's nite-nite CD.

4. Somewhere, someone is thinking Dang, don't cheetos go with everything??

5. I'll always be a child of God.

6. My idea of a good time includes Coach, sangria, candles...

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to PSYCH!!, tomorrow my plans include a visit to my parents (?) and Sunday, I want to mentally prepare for Chicago!

Fill in your own blanks here...

the pain, one week later

It truly is amazing how playing around on the computer for over an hour can take your mind off of things. I came up the stairs determined to rant and rave about my husband, but decided to play with my flickr instead. I'm glad I did. I got some great pictures uploaded there and into my Ravelry.

This is what I've been doing since I've been on the disabled list.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I don't know how to type a little text and then add photos anymore. I don't know if Blogger has changed, or if the fact that I'm trying out *safari* has anything to do with my bumbling, but I am irritated. Also, I've been sitting at this computer for over an hour and my frigging back is starting to hurt again, despite two lortabs. Throughout my convalescence, I surfed the net via my ancient (2004) laptop. However, to upload my photos, I had to plug back in to the pc...and its horrible chair. Anyhoo...I digress

The photo on the left is a blanket I made for my former student Jamie who is on bedrest while waiting the birth of her first child. The photo on the right is the mock crocks I am making for myself. Once I'm done with those I plan to make some booties for Jamie's little girl out of the same yarn. I hope that I finish before she goes into labor.

Oh well...I must shower and get about the business of being Jill. I have to work today at 3, even though it is not in the labor room where I truly want to be. :( I'm sure I'll manage, even though my back is telling me I should call in. I'm going to the chiropractor tomorrow, so maybe that will help a little as well.

Until we meet again...

the pain

Monday morning after my shower as I was getting ready for work, I bent over to pick up my night-clothes and felt a little twinge in my lower back. As I straightened up, I realized that I could not. I brushed my teeth while sitting on the toilet and then called my sleeping husband to help me get off the pot. As I crawled back into bed, I assumed the position that would hold me for the next 6 hours. Unable to move or turn over for fear of the excruciating pain (even worse than labor before the epidural), I lay in bed. He had to put me on a makeshift bedpan once and haul me back into bed when I rolled out thinking I could stand up to walk to the bathroom.

I can't really explain the pain or the embarrassment - or decide which was worse. I hate relying on other people to care for me. That is, after all, why I have been in *caring* professions for most of my adult life. My friend and former co-worker, Andy, got me an appointment with the ortho who covers the high school where I used to work (even though they don't usually see back patients). Thankfully, the doc gave me scripts for a muscle relaxer and for Lortab (generics, of course). So I have still been in bed for most of the week.

When I take my medicine (as prescribed) I sleep. I am bearing the pain. When it is wearing off (as it is now) I can barely stand to sit in the metal folding chair that serves as our computer chair (as I am now). I just thought that I would give an update on me and tell you lovely readers why I haven't been posting about other, real life issues!

I am knitting on some socks though. This forced bed rest (and blasted time off from work) might see some creative monotony knitting and crocheting. I'm upset that I had to call in for the week, but I know that I would not be able to do my job and care for the patients.

oh well...still reading, still knitting, still nothing on tv...

10 years ago

1. What was I doing 10 years ago? Ten years ago (1998, right??) I was working as a lifeguard at the NSU Recreation Complex. I was also waiting for the beginning of my third senior year (!) for my first bachelor's degree...

2. What are 5 things on my to-do list today? considering it is 8pm, I'll tell you five things I accomplished today: 1)Wal-Mart run for school supplies and a few items for my Breast Cancer 3day coming up in three weeks!!, 2) ate leftover tiny spicy and vegetable lomein before Coach could, 3) took a nap, 4) cut Bean's fingernails and toenails (I swear they grow faster than mine do) and finally 5) spent almost the whole day with my little family

3. Snacks that I enjoy? Presently, my favorite snack is cheezits; I also enjoy apples and crunchy peanut butter and yogurt

4. Things I would do if I was a billionaire? 1) pay off all my and Coach's bills 2) start a college trust for Bean 3) move out of my hovel

5. Places I've lived? That I remember: several places in Louisiana (Natchitoches, Pineville, Oil City, Hammond, Dry Prong) and Boca Raton, FL. I've also been told that we lived in California for a while after my sister was born and Daddy worked in the copper mines.

6. Jobs I've had? Burger King (drive-thru and front counter), lifeguard, swimming lesson instructor, student worker at college (business affairs, front desk at a dorm, radio traffic operator at university police, ROTC), Buddy's BBQ, student athletic trainer, certified athletic trainer, physical therapy tech, high school biology teacher, nurse extern/floor tech

I seem to keep stealing Diana's memes. I don't know who all is reading this, but please feel free to answer the same questions about yourself so I can learn a little more.

thanks!